It’s so very hard to admit when you’re wrong, when you’ve made a mistake, to eat crow, but I’m here to do it. I made a terrible decision when I quit my job last year.
I was so angry – overwhelmingly angry – when, at the last minute, they ripped away my chance to actively participate in a trial on a case that I spent three long years on. I was deeply hurt and I took it personal, when I’m pretty sure (now) that it was actually just business. So, I cut off my nose to spite my face and I quit.
I thought it was the demands of my job that were getting me down, but it was life. The shit I had been dealing with from my childhood had been overflowing into my daily life in major ways for a couple of years by then. Instead of continuing to deal with my issues like an adult and being grateful that I was gainfully employed at a place that was being pretty supportive (all things considered), I quit.
I took a two month road trip to clear my head (a trip I will absolutely never regret taking) In some ways, I did clear my head. In other ways, I think I must have confused myself even more.
I got it into my brain along the way that I would make it out there in this big bad world on my own, as a solo practitioner. When I got back home, I started my own law firm. It was exciting and liberating and all of the things I thought it would be, until it wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten several decently paying clients; but it’s just not panning out. My money is running out faster than it’s coming in. I’m intelligent and creative, but I’m also shy and introverted, and I haven’t perfected a style of marketing that works for me. I never gave myself the chance to learn before I left my job.
I can’t pay a mortgage on hopes and dreams and I don’t want to end up completely broke, so I need to make my way back into a job. I’m terrified that by opening my own law firm and bombing, I’ve effectively blackballed myself from the list of employable lawyers. Something tells me that’s not 100% true, but it’s definitely a fear I have. A stomach churning, paralyzing, anxiety laden fear.
Now what? Normally, I would say, “fuck it,” hold my head high, and plug along doing my thing. I was good at that once, before it felt like the bottom of my life fell out from under me.
I’m still a great lawyer. Nothing there has changed. I’m still smart. I just have issues and have made some mistakes. We all make mistakes from time to time. Every. Single. One of us. I’ve lost my way over the last few years and just need to find the route back. Man I really hope that in 10 years, I can look back on this time and laugh – wondering why the hell I was so worried.