You Don’t Get Any Credit

I had a fantastic morning in Court, winning one of the biggest motions I’ve argued to date in my lawyer life.  I was nervous, like I usually am before a big hearing, but I pulled myself together. Never let them see you sweat! I felt like my voice was shaking a bit, but I managed to artfully convince the Judge that he made a mistake and should reconsider his prior order!  I’m sorry if that doesn’t make a ton of sense, my dear readers, just trust me when I say it’s kind of a big deal.

I can’t begin to explain the adrenaline rush I get from being in Court and walking out victorious. It’s purely and absolutely intoxicating (especially on a hard case like today)!  While it’s not for everyone, I love my career.

Unfortunately, I dont really have anyone to celebrate these successes with. So since we’ve started talking more regularly lately, I have begun relying on her to fill that role in my life again.  Big mistake. 

She had the balls to tell me tonight, “Of course you’re a good arguer, I taught you that.”  Let’s get something straight real quick. She did not teach me to argue. If I wasn’t complying, I was at risk for harm. She beat all of the argument out of me. She made damn sure that I had no voice growing up.  Becoming a lawyer has been one way for me to try to reclaim my voice despite my circumstances.

It has not been an easy road to get here either. I have worked my ass off to create moments like today.

I’m the only person in my family who has a doctoral degree (and only one of a few with a bachelor’s), so there was no blueprint laid out for me; I had to figure it out on my own.  I had no financial support of any kind, but still found a way to put myself through school all on my own.  I worked at law firms during the day while going to school at night to get experience in the field and a foot in the door.  I started at the very bottom of the law firm totem pole and worked my way up over more than a decade to become the respected, competent, likeable, all around good lawyer I am today.  I have suffered through several incredibly egotistical and abusive bosses knowing it would eventually propel me forward. I have fought tooth and nail to prove myself time and time again because my pedigree isn’t Ivy League.  I have sacrificed love, friends, my mind, my health, and plenty of valuable life experiences to make it where I am today.  I did all of this; no one else.  

So yeah, I absolutely hate that she tried to take any kind of credit for me being successful at my career.  She’s done it before too. You know what, though?  Fuck that shit.  She doesn’t get to take credit for all of my hard work.  Besides birthing me, forcing me to watch law shows (that actually just showed me how lawyers often have more power than law enforcement), helping me get my first job in a law office, and giving me some general encouragement along the way, she had no role in this. This is not her success.

She has taken so much from me.  She can’t have this too. She can’t. I refuse to let her.

Damnit. Why do I insist on sharing with her in the first place? I am consistently disappointed in myself and her afterwards. For some reason, I still crave her approval and affection despite everything.  It makes me feel so weak and pathetic.  Is it so much to want a parental figure who supports you for exactly who you are, not how you make them feel about themselves? Is it too much?

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I Was Wrong – Now What?

It’s so very hard to admit when you’re wrong, when you’ve made a mistake, to eat crow, but I’m here to do it.  I made a terrible decision when I quit my job last year.

I was so angry – overwhelmingly angry – when, at the last minute, they ripped away my chance to actively participate in a trial on a case that I spent three long years on.  I was deeply hurt and I took it personal, when I’m pretty sure (now) that it was actually just business.  So, I cut off my nose to spite my face and I quit.

I thought it was the demands of my job that were getting me down, but it was life.  The shit I had been dealing with from my childhood had been overflowing into my daily life in major ways for a couple of years by then.  Instead of continuing to deal with my issues like an adult and being grateful that I was gainfully employed at a place that was being pretty supportive (all things considered), I quit.

I took a two month road trip to clear my head (a trip I will absolutely never regret taking)  In some ways, I did clear my head.  In other ways, I think I must have confused myself even more.

I got it into my brain along the way that I would make it out there in this big bad world on my own, as a solo practitioner.  When I got back home, I started my own law firm.  It was exciting and liberating and all of the things I thought it would be, until it wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten several decently paying clients; but it’s just not panning out.  My money is running out faster than it’s coming in.  I’m intelligent and creative, but I’m also shy and introverted, and I haven’t perfected a style of marketing that works for me.  I never gave myself the chance to learn before I left my job.

I can’t pay a mortgage on hopes and dreams and I don’t want to end up completely broke, so I need to make my way back into a job.  I’m terrified that by opening my own law firm and bombing, I’ve effectively blackballed myself from the list of employable lawyers.  Something tells me that’s not 100% true, but it’s definitely a fear I have.  A stomach churning, paralyzing, anxiety laden fear.

Now what?  Normally, I would say, “fuck it,” hold my head high, and plug along doing my thing.  I was good at that once, before it felt like the bottom of my life fell out from under me.

I’m still a great lawyer.  Nothing there has changed.  I’m still smart.  I just have issues and have made some mistakes.  We all make mistakes from time to time.  Every. Single. One of us.  I’ve lost my way over the last few years and just need to find the route back.  Man I really hope that in 10 years, I can look back on this time and laugh – wondering why the hell I was so worried.