Facebook Memories

If you’re on Facebook, you’re probably familiar with how Facebook likes to share memories, showing you pictures and status updates that you’ve posted on any given day in years past.  It is mostly really fun to see what was going on in your life.  I, personally, love seeing old pictures of my pets and my friends, and thinking about the fun nights I had over Facebook in law school (without Facebook, lawyers from the class of 2011 would not have made it).

But there are times when I don’t necessarily want to remember, Facebook.

On January 23, Facebook reminded me that it had been 3 years since my Gram passed away.  I had a good cry, I posted a sappy post, went on a walk to process my sad feelings and saw a hummingbird in the desert (which I’m currently convinced is my Gram’s way of saying hello these days).  It worked.  Remembering my Gram’s passing was bittersweet; full of missing her and wishing she could see me now, but remembering how much of her lives on in me.  Okay, so Facebook memories can remind me of my Gram any day.

I still wish I could be selective about what I’m reminded of, though.  Maybe Facebook could come up with a shitty life events filter or something.  Of course, it may not have even helped with this next one considering that I had intentionally, selectively, mostly forgotten about it.

On February 4, I was reminded that around this time in 2014, I had a second weird psychotic episode that I’ve hardly discussed with anyone, even though everyone basically saw it happen this time.  After quitting my job at the big law firm, going on my round-the-country road trip, and pouring every bit of myself into launching my new law firm at the end of 2013 and into the new year, I lost my mind again.  It was maybe a period of about 48-72 hours without sleep, endlessly searching the internet, convinced I had broken it, writing this crazy manifesto that I still can’t bear to read, and sending “coded” messages to all the friends on Facebook that I felt close to at the time.

Yep.  Facebook memories reminded me that I sent a bunch of psychotic messages to my friends.  Lovely!

I posted a status update blaming it on Facebook, which seems to have gone over okay with most of my friends (except maybe one).  But it was me.  I was only about a year and a half into recovery from my childhood trauma, burned out and running away from myself on my road trip, I came back and immediately poured myself into my work and avoiding everything rebelling, but then I caught up with myself again and lost my mind.  No wonder my business failed didn’t go so well the first time I tried it.  No wonder I could barely motivate myself to get off of the couch for months after.  I have so much shame about it, and Facebook reminded me.

Thankfully, Facebook also reminded me how much I have grown since.

I honestly feel like such a different person than I was those two years ago.   I have worked really hard in therapy to move beyond so many things and it is paying off in my life.  I not only AM lighter (if you didn’t read my post yesterday, though currently stuck in a stall, I am -105lbs now!), I FEEL lighter emotionally.  My spirit is freer these days because of all of my hard work.  I am freer.

I do still fear a return of the psychosis, though.  Even though this second time around was far milder and far less damaging, it still sucked; a lot.  I’m still incredibly embarrassed and and carrying some pretty intense shame because of both of the times that my brain short circuited.  If it happened twice, it can happen a third or fourth or fifth time.  I fear being permanently disabled by my mental health issues.  If my brain can fail me in such dramatic ways, how will I ever be able to be a successful human being like I want to?  What if I’m not cut out for being a lawyer?  What if I cannot actually be a business owner?  I could go on, but I don’t need to.

Definitely some things I need to talk about in therapy.  I have so many good things going on and, despite the bullshit thrown my way this year so far, I feel pretty good emotionally, so I hate to get too much back into the serious stuff.  Finally telling you is pretty helpful (and remarkable, especially since a year-old blog post about the same subject sits in my drafts), but I’m sure telling Sam will help me tie a little bow on this and put it up on a shelf.

No more shame, damnit!  Well, at least a little less shame for now.  Thank God for therapy this week!

Up Swing

Things with the bestie are back to normal (thank God).  Life gets weird sometimes and then it comes back around to a good place, that’s just the way it works.  Since surgery, I’ve been dealing with some shit emotionally and it got in the way.  She’s been dealing with shit emotionally and it got in the way too.  Life.  Now if only the both of us and her kids could stop being sick so we can get back to our regularly scheduled chick dates, that’d be pretty awesome.

I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about being the “other woman.”  I have a hard time even saying or feeling like I was the “other woman,” because we weren’t together really (just a couple weeks before hearing from his girlfriend, we had settled on being best friends with benefits).  He was okay with me having someone on the side, I was okay with him having someone on the side.  Of course, being completely HONEST about it was also part of that arrangement (even though it was scary, I was honest about my dating other people while he kept me in the dark).

Since we did do things that would not have happened if I had known he had a girlfriend who was not okay with an open relationship, though, yeah I guess I’m the “other woman.”  What do I even do with that?  Oh I know, give it back to him, because it’s not my fault.

When anything remotely similar has happened like before, I’ve kicked the guy to the curb immediately.  My intentions were different in those relationships, though; and I was not open to being anything but the only one.

I was REALLY close to kicking this one to the curb just like the others, but the friendship I value more than anything with him makes me want to hang on.  Yes he lied.  Yes he hurt my feelings.  Yes he’s broken my trust in many ways.  But sometimes friends do really awful things to us and we still forgive them and refuse to let the friendship go because we’re all human and we all make big dumb ass mistakes from time to time.   I know I have, and my friends still love me anyways.

I had, and continue to have, confusing romantic feelings for him.  Our chemistry is undeniable and always has been, but his immaturity is so clear now.  That immaturity got him into this situation.  That immaturity is keeping him from really doing what he needs to do to get himself out of the dog house (at least with me).  As I keep seeing glimpses of how his immaturity caused this and is playing out since, the romantic feelings I had seem to be waning.  I don’t have the time or the energy to waste trying to help someone grow up anymore, especially if they’re not willing to put in the effort too.  My life is moving forward, with or without him.

The scale is torturing me again.  I’m hovering around 302, 303, 301 and cannot get my ass to #twoderland!  We got a storm that came through last weekend, I had a crazy busy week, and now I’m sick, so I haven’t been walking since my 3 mi. hike out at Red Rock last Friday (to celebrate being -105lbs!).

With stalls courtesy of a lack of regular exercise, it’s looking like the next 100 lbs is going to be the real challenge, my dears.   At least I know I’m up for it!

Surgery is slowly but surely teaching me that I am stronger than I ever knew.  I really hoped that this journey would be transformative not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well; and it is.  I am seeing my worth in a whole different way, from inside.  I am not seeking (as much) validation and approval from outside sources, where it has never been (and never will be) fulfilling.  I am holding my head up high.  I am looking people in the eyes.  I am smiling more.  I am becoming the me that I knew I was and could be.  It’s really quite incredible!

Business is going well, got an article in a local lawyer magazine, and I’m getting some really amazing referrals from the best places.  The next couple of months are going to be really fun too, because I’m going to be back on the radio and am starting a monthly segment on a business show on 4/4/16 (updates will be coming via my law firm Facebook page)!  Life is good!

Have a lovely weekend, friends!